"She Would Never Know" (aka "Sunbae, Don't Put On That Lipstick") - some thoughts [SPOILER ALERT]

I have to confess that I only started watching She Would Never Know because of Rowoon. His character in Extraordinary You (which I have an overdue post about, will try to get it done soon!) offered very little scope for him to show his acting skills. So I was curious to know how well (or badly) he would do in the leading role of Chae Hyun-Seung in his latest drama. But as I got into the plot, I became drawn in by the side story of his older sister Chae Yeon-Seung (Ha Yoon-Kyung) and her husband Kang Woo-Hyun (Lee Dong-Ha). 

Some of you may already have read the countless reviews and comments that celebrate the victory of how a same-sex attracted Woo-Hyun found his true identity and was liberated to pursue his deepest desires (for a same-sex relationship). And many of these writers even commend Yeon-Seung for being so supportive and understanding.

Honestly, I find such a narrative extremely disturbing as it is perpetuating the lies that have permeated popular media and culture, and are gradually seeping into mainstream society here in Asia.

Lie #1: Sex is everything!

That's what popular media tells us - if the sex is great, then the relationship must be good. And conversely, if there's no sex (or very little of it) in the relationship, then there's nothing worth saving.

Well, after being married for almost 25 years, I can tell you that sex is NOT everything in a marriage relationship! There are so many times and seasons in a marriage where sex hardly features at all, like when you're having a baby, or feeling sick, or drained after a day of work and running after the kids, and of course there's always that one week or so each month where sex is off-limits.

If sex were everything, then no marriage would be able to survive all these sexless times and periods (pun intended). But the fact that marriages have lasted and even become stronger only goes to show that the husband and wife relationship is based on so much more than just sex.

Trust, open communications, love and care for each other, supporting each other through tough times, partnership in building the family, and more. These are the qualities that help to strengthen a marriage and they are also the indicators of whether the relationship will survive and we can grow old (when sex drive is almost zilch) together till death do us part.

In fact, Yeon-Seung and Woo-Hyun had all these in their relationship even though Woo-Hyun wasn't physically attracted to her. After all, she was the one who helped him to come to terms with and accept his own sexual orientation. Contrastingly, Woo-Hyun's relationship with the man who had awakened his same-sex attraction, Chef Ryu Han-Seo (Choi Jung-Won), had none of these factors. So his relationship with his wife was much healthier than the one he had with his former lover.

Lie #2: Same-sex attraction trumps everything else!

Nowadays, if we do not allow someone with same-sex attraction to fulfil their sexual desires, we are labelled as bigots. And it has reached the extent where the same-sex attracted person should be allowed to ignore all other responsibilities and commitments, otherwise we would be seen as bullies trying to repress their sexuality and identity.

Again, we need to understand that we are not defined solely by our sexual identity. There's so much more to a person than their sexuality! And that includes the roles and responsibilities we each bear in our families, workplaces and society at large. So for instance if you're married, it would be adulterous to have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.

In Woo-Hyun's case, he decided to divorce Yeon-Seung in order to pursue his same-sex desires. If he were not same-sex attracted and had left his wife to pursue another woman because he is no longer attracted to his wife, he would be condemned as being unfaithful. So it doesn't make sense that just because he's same-sex attracted, then his infidelity is justified. He had married Yeon-Seung willingly and without coercion, so he should be expected to fulfil the lifetime commitment that he had made, regardless of whether his sexual desires are for another man or woman.

Lie #3: The kids will get over the divorce.

Moreover as a father to a young child, Woo-Hyun also has to bear the responsibility for his daughter’s welfare. And divorce is never good for the kids! They won't ever get over it either. The destructive ramifications of divorce are life-long. 

The saddest part about all this is that the kids are often too young to be able to express the hurt and pain that they experience. I just read a well-written sharing by an adult of her difficult journey through her parents' divorce and the growing up years, and even through to adulthood.

I was particularly struck by what she said here:

The parents are supposed to be the ones who sacrifice and accommodate in order to support their children, not the other way around! The world has pretty much turned upside-down. Such warped values which promote the selfish pursuit of one's own happiness above fulfilling parental responsibilities are resulting in an entire generation of damaged, orphaned souls. 

Anyway, this has turned out to be a much longer rant than I had imagined. So let's be aware of the lies that are being reinforced when we consume popular media so we don't get sucked in or worse, even start living them out in our own lives.

If you're interested, here's an earlier post on the Brangelina divorce.

You Say Who I Am and "Wreck-it Ralph 2" [Spoiler Alert!!!]

The other day, Aimee gleefully showed me what she had done with this old pencil sharpener of hers. It used to feature a Disney princess (can't remember which) but she had covered it up with this self-illustrated phrase, "You say who I am." I think this probably came about from a chat I had had with her last week. She was rather down because she couldn't cope with homework and all, on top of the heartache she was already suffering from as she had been told she mustn't dance for a month due to a leg injury. She absolutely loves to dance and in fact, dancing is therapeutic for her! So basically, she was feeling pretty helpless and worthless.

I prayed with her and said that God has made her with greater potential than she realises. So she needs to ask Him to reveal to her who He has made her to be, and what other God-given talents and abilities she has yet to discover. Then she must believe what God says, instead of the lies from the devil telling her she's not good enough, and live out the truth that God shows her about herself.

It's rather apt then that it was a Disney princess that got covered over on this sharpener, for most little girls define themselves according to the qualities of these fairy tale princesses. As they get older, of course they start to base their identity on what's prevalent in society, popular culture and media. The 'You' who tells them who they are is what they see on social media, and in movies and videos. As a result, many of them end up with low self-esteem and even become depressed or suicidal when they find that they can't measure up to these standards.

There's a scene in Wreck-it Ralph 2, where Vanellope crashes into the Disney princesses' changing room, and she goes through just such a struggle with her identity. The princesses are trying to figure out what kind of a princess she is and start to list all the qualities she should have. She fails all of them except for the final one - everyone assumes all your problems are solved when a big strong guy comes along. Of course, the princesses are thinking of their Prince Charmings but we all know Vanellope's knight in shining armour is none other than her bestie Ralph, who is anything but charming!

Anyway, reassured that she is a princess after all, the princesses start giving her advice on how the music and singing should come naturally when she realises what it is that she really wants. But she has trouble convincing them and herself that what she wants is a steering wheel (the very thing that made her and Ralph break into the Internet). In fact, after this encounter, she becomes gradually more and more unsure of whether the steering wheel is really what she needs. It is only when she takes the only piece of good advice from the princesses, that is to spend time reflecting, that she finally realises her innermost desire is to be part of the Slaughter Race game.

That's when she goes into a snazzy song a la Disney princess style, albeit accompanied by macabre scenes of car crashes, explosions and straggly dogs popping out of a shark's mouth. Even though the visuals are as far away from the usual Disney princess' backdrops as possible, there is no doubt that this is what Vanellope was made for. However, she is worried about what Ralph would think as his hopes are for her to go back to her old game Sugar Rush. Eventually, Ralph also understands that Vanellope needs to pursue her own dream and lets her go with his blessings.

Even though the Disney princesses initially attempt to stereotype Vanellope, we can also learn from their advice to her. We need to take time to seek God and reflect on who He has made us to be. If we judge ourselves by other people's standards or try to meet other's expectations of us, even if they're from our closest family and friends no matter how well-intentioned, it will only lead to confusion, frustration or depression. Our identity must be founded on the unique blueprint that God our Maker has designed us with. And only when we start to live it out will we find true purpose and fulfilment.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. - Psalm 139:14a